Starring Phil Hartman
Featuring the voice of Tommy Lee Jones
Released by Dreamworks
As reviewed by James Brundage
Once again good intentions are ruined by bad executions.
If I had a dime for every time that happened in movies, I could make a movie where that didn't happen, but instead I'm a poor, unpaid slob who ends up doing nothing but being your humble servant watching film after film so you don't have to.
Small Soldiers yet again shows that Hollywood is just one giant limbo contest, and, although Small Soldiers isn't as low as they come, it's got its ear near the floor. To sum the movie up, you have a bunch of hyperviolent action figures manufactured by a toy company bought out my an arms conglomerate (??), and the suck up of the company accidentaly puts artificial intelligence chips in the toys, which go wild and start attacking the other toys, and, then, the humans.
If you're not yet convinced by the impausibility, ludicrosity, and insanity of the plot -- and I know you sceptics aren't -- then I'll go on. You have a toy maker unwilling to carry violent toys who goes away for the weekend, having his son end up putting the hyperviolent toys on the shelves. Of course they start trying to kill each other and their violence only spills over into the realm of hurting humans.
Yeah, the toys use chainsaws, nailguns, flaming tennis balls, Frankenstein barbies, and just about anything else that isn't in a plausible arsenal and try to kill everyone who helps out the other toys, which are peaceful little buggers who just want to get home. (E.T…. HELLO!)
Having gotten this far and not gone to the bathroom to puke, I'll say the only review I really need to give you about this limbo movie, it's by far the most violent PG-13 movie I've ever seen. And it's not wacky violent, it's not funny violent. It's just stupid violent.
I vote we strangle the movie makers with the limbo pole. Who's with me?